Okay, so this is how it happened...

So I'm in Washington D.C. Black Tie event. $1000 a plate. 15 minutes ago I shook hands with Kenny G, one of the night's performers.

5 minutes ago I got the "wink and the gun" from Ed McMahon. Earlier in the day we bonded over brunch. He told me how he met his wife as we dined on poached eggs and fresh fruit.

I see Bob Dole across the room.

At lunch that day I ate lobster, scallops and caviar with Clarence Thomas, Wayne Huizenga (owner of the Florida Marlins, Miami Dolphins and Pro Player Stadium) and a killer blonde to whom I was extremely attracted.

And I have just given a short speech of a lifetime. Life is good.

Then I see Colon Powell making his way over in my direction. We shake hands. I'm sure he said something, but for the life of me, I cannot remember. I only remember my roommate and fellow Scholar, Patrick, telling me I'm a lucky... well for my mother's sake, I'll skip the particulars...

Life is great.

Then, as if God were trying to remind me that my life is a comedy, I see a woman walk by me nearly falling out of her dress. Which was a bad thing since she was like 70. I made a face. And might have made a little comment beneath my breath. I hear a giggle and I turn behind me to see a stately looking woman laughing at me and only laughing all the harder when she sees me begin to blush as I realized the degree to which I was "busted".

Well, I've never been one to back down from an audience so I quickly rationalized, verbally, my earlier statement as only I could: "Well, its a $1000 dollar-a-plate meal, you think she could wear a whole dress."

More with the laughing.

"How many of my Grandmother's curtains had to die for her to wear that dress?"

I use laughing from this comment to move in and go for my forte, flirting with older women.

Once again, for my own sake, I'll spare you the exact particulars. But I can assure you I chose from some of my many lines I've honed from years of working in a Drug Store where 70% of the clientele is Senior Citizen women buying medicine in the hopes of making them feel better. Life is so much easier for everyone involved when one intrepid enough is willing to ask Mrs. Meckimson when exactly she is going to run away with him. The look of surprise as it melts into a smile and laugh is still music to the ears of this young former employee of Arnell Drug Co.

So, we're flirting... okay, I'm flirting when Mr. Soon-to-be-Secretary-of-State Colon Powell begins to leave. All of a sudden the my "bull-o-meter" begins to go off and I know that no one is going to believe this happened. So I say, "man, I wished I would have gotten a picture."

My heart instantly deflates as I realize there is no way I'm going to be able to fight through the other Scholars to get to him. As my shoulders drop, the hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention when the woman to whom I've been speaking grabs my arm and yells "Colon! Honey!"

The next few moments blur a little and I'm not sure exactly how to describe it but only as my head felt as though it was Gumball rolling down one of those swirly dispensers you see in Wal-Mart. I do remember reaching for a fork as Mrs. Colon Powell dragged my by my arm, laughing as my cheeks flushed crimson, towards her husband and a slew of photographers. Ah, but if only the shrimp fork I snagged were sharp enough to slit these mortified wrists of mine! Sweet dagger! Find thy sheath in the jugular of this tortured soul!

Alas, I had to "deal with my media" as a million lightbulbs flashed when Mr. Colon Powell and I shook hands.

Alma Powell waved to me as she and her husband walked back to her table. I could only think to thank God for humbling me and once again, reminding me who really brings the funny.

True Story.