Giving the gift

Last night, I had my feelings hurt.

It wasn't a malicious comment. That person didn't aim to hurt me, but they did. This comment, if made by 95% of the other people that make up my social world, probably wouldn't have elicited much more than a smile or a stuck out tongue. But for some reason, when they said it, it hurt me.

I've been trying to figure out why this person always gets to me. I mean, my feelings for them have taken a few different directions through the course of "us". [by "us" I purely mean the relationship. Please ignore the romantic connotation that comes with the word "relationship".] But, through it all, this person's expressed sentiments toward me has almost always held a place of special importance. Why?

I think, while lying awake staring at the poster of God reaching for Adam from Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel I have on the ceiling above my bed, (Wal-mart was fresh out of mirrors, I guess.) I realized it was because I had made myself vulnerable to this person. Yeah, I know that's deep. But its been a while since my feelings for this person has changed, why is it that I'm still deeply affected by this person's attitude towards me? In a world full of people's who's opinions I care very little about, why is it this person's holds such vital importance to me?

I think its because the gift of vulnerability is not one you can take back. Once you let down that wall, its really hard to replace it. I can remember the first time a girl hurt me. I don't want to mention names cough-Hayley Dowdall in 2nd grade dumps me for Eddie Balmer-cough cough, but to this day, that hurts. I know its stupid, but it does. I saw Haley Dowdall over break too, she told me I looked good, (great liar, that Haley) I remember being genuinely touched. I think I even blushed.

Okay, so now that I've discovered the issue. -That this is a gift we can't un-give. Where do I go from here? This freaking sucks. I start to wonder if I should maybe be more careful with whom I entrust this gift to. Maybe I should "guard my heart" more...

Then, all of a sudden I get pissed. Fuck that.

I hate it when people say you should "guard your heart", screw that. I mean, yes, its the smart thing to do, but its not how I want to live. I need to love first and ask questions later. I have to love all-out, balls to the wall. I'm not saying I'm a psycho stalker or anything ( ;) murph!). But you know what I mean. I want to be completely authentic with people, and that means you have to knock down your own walls. Can't get trust unless you give it, my friends.

Does this mean I'm going to get hurt a lot? Absolutely. But I don't know, I guess even when you get hurt, its in a good way. I mean, if I hurt, it can only be because, before, I felt really good. Maybe I should just be thankful for the contrast. I don't know. I just have to believe in people because I really need people to believe in me. I have to believe that if I buy the world a coke, in one way or another, I'll be a better person for it. Right?

I'd rather trust in people. When it comes down to making the choice between guarding my heart from being hurt and possibly missing out on something great, or even good, to me, there's no choice. I'll just trust the Lord to heal my heart.

Does this seem like a life full of drama? I think accepting it is simpler than wandring the world wondering whom I can trust and whom I can't.

So bring the pain.