The Art of the Burnt Cd...

Disclaimer: I am a law-abiding person. I would like to state once and for all, that I do not condone the illegal downloading of music. If you do so, you're a bad person. Bad Person! I feel that until one buys the cd, record, tape, whatever, of a particular artist, they do not have the right to procure their music for their own playback. That being said, once you do own said material, you own a share of that artist's song, and in essense, their soul.

I'm a jerk.

Burning a custom cd is more than just a skill. Calling it an Artform is too flippant. Rather, its a discipline requiring a combination many skills and attributes. Few people truly realize all the savvy, discipline, deftness and overall ingenuity required to make a truly good mix CD. I shall now impart with you some of the wisdom I've gleaned over my years of practice and meditation.

The Rules

#1. "The Plan"- Basically, I say you don't need one. I prefer to just "go with the flow". Genius works like that. However, the average person or novice might not want to trust the force just yet. I've seen many a CD go awry in the hands of the unprepared. I weep for these new "coasters". Bastards of the musical library.

#2. You may only use an artist once per CD. (The only exceptions are if you are making an anthology cd... which is still kind of sketchy...) I'm pretty strict about this. I don't care how great he/she is, there's no need to overload them upon the ears of the listener. If there's two songs that you can't choose between, tough. Suck it up. Don't worry, Tiger, if you do a good job on this CD, you'll undoubtably have a another chance!

#3. You must be eclectic. Think of your favorite classes. Are not they the ones in which you are constantly enjoying the ebb and flow of new experiences? Now guys, this doesn't mean having East and west coast rap. I'm talking about mixing genres. Classic rock sandwiched between some hip-hop and Frank Sinatra WORKS.

#4. Comedy. I don't care how serious the subject of the CD is, you MUST have some comic relief. Comedy can come from many different sources. You can download... heh hem, I mean "aquire" movie quotes, the theme to "strawberry shortcake", Simpsons quotes, or for the more advanced artisan, you can artificially "bring the funny" through an inside joke, juxtaposed song, etc.

#5. "The 'Oh MAN!' song". This is that certain song that is sure to remind the user of junior high. I recommend you don't play a song if you've heard it in popular media anytime in the last year. Good examples: I saw the sign- Ace of Base, Love Fool- The Cardigans, Return of the Mack, and the #1 "oh man" song is (drum-roll please) What's going on- 4 Non Blondes

#6. The "Surprise" song. This song is slightly different from the "Oh MAN!" song. This is that one part of the CD where you truly flex your eclecticity. I usually utilize Garth Brooks in this situation. Other guys might use some 2Pac. This is your chance to go out on a limb. You really need to do this. Not just for the CD, but for yourself as a person. Trust me.

#7. Spacing. Spacing is one of the most important features of the Burnt CD. This is where the "Flow" is settled. You need to make sure each song flows and works with the next.

7 a. I always recommend that you start off with a good overall song that represents the overall theme of the CD. The thesis sentence, if you will.

7 b. Equally important, but twice as tricky is the final song. The average CD craftsman might think they need a song similar to the their lead-off. Bookends. Such is not the case. The reason why is that with any good mix-CD, its going to be played on a loop. Therefore, the last song will be immediately before the first. If they're too similar, it'll hurt the "flow". However, you still want a good, strong song on there. Sometimes I'll place the strongest song on the CD in this position so as to give the listener something to shoot for. ;)

8. Naming the CD. This, I feel, is the Crown of the entire project. The Coupe' de grace. This is how your CD will be known by him or her. When the recipient of the CD is talking about how great you are to all of his/her friends, they'll most likely pull out the CD. This is a great chance to showcase your wit. So put a little extra time into it.

There you go, if you can't make a good Burnt CD by now, its most likely because you have no taste. And in which case, I absolve myself of any blame.

I do have a couple of cautions, however.

#1. Make sure you give your CD's away. They're not for you. Keeping a Burnt CD is contrary to its very essense.

#2. Be careful to avoid using "campy" songs or songs that only have one cool part gets old quickly. These songs are easily mistakable as "oh MAN!" songs but they end up being the ones that get skipped; like the "Da Da Da" song from the Volkswagon commercials. Anyone for whom I've put that song on a CD, I apologize.

Finally, I'd just like to comment on what makes Burnt CD's so great. Its about more than just providing yourself with good music. Through the compiling of a good cd, we're allowing ourselves to become modern-day Bards. The Burnt CD allows us to speak through the language of music, that one language that manages to say what can't be said. Pure emotion through the air.

Burn away, y'all. Burn away!