Takin a bite of the big apple (Part 1)

Me: "How is it that you can lead 40 men with guns through a forest at night using nothing more than a magnetized needle and a palm-sized map, but we can't go three blocks in this damn city without getting lost?"
Bennie: "I don't know... but a compass would help..."

I went to New York City for the first time this weekend. It was my brother's Yearling Winter Weekend at West Point, a weekend where the majestic United States Military Academy puts on her best for her Yearlings (sophomores) and they, in turn, spend as much of the weekend as possible away from her wanton grasp and escape to the City.

I flew into Newark, took a bus to Grand Central Station where I met Ben, wearing his big, brown, BCG's (Birth Control Glasses, because supposedly no Army man has ever managed to get laid while wearing them). We embrace, I laugh at him, and we figure out that we want to go drop off our stuff at our hotel room. We get on the Subway, take it North-ish and start to walk to wrong way. Eventually, we figure this out and turn back to find our hotel.

Hotel 31 turned out to be a gamble that paid off big time. I made the reservations and paid for it all online through Expedia (dot coooooooooom!). We strode on in and announced "reservation for Golemo, G-o-l-e-m-o." A nice looking man in a red suit and greased mafia-style hair started typing away at the computer. I instantly start to make fun of my little brother.

I grabbed his glasses, put them on and engaged in some tom-foolery.
"Hey, my name is Ben." I said with a mumble. "I listen to punk music and decided to the most punk thing I could think of and signed up to kill people at West Point. Also, I have no sense of equity, so if you flick me in the ear, I'll respond by making sure you'll never have children."

Nice looking, red-suited, greased hair guy started to laugh and then looked at us and said, with a look of surprise, "you're funny."

"Thanks for noticing."

So we got our cards and walked up to our room. It was a shared bathroom, no frills type of place and totally awesome. The room was barely twice the size of the bed. There was a sink and a dresser with a 13-inch TV on it.

We both immediately started to flop on the bed, Grandma's house-style. Then Ben turned on the TV to the Spanish Channel and we started to watch one of their prime-time soap operas. I started to make up my own dubbing for it.

A man dressed all in black with a ski mask was talking to a volumptuous, dark-haired, beauty with his hands open before him.
"Jes, I know you are tired of hearing this Lucinda, but you must, by now, have learned how to make a proper bag of the popping-corn!"
"Oh, Rodrigo!" She sighs as she backs away and puts her hand to her forehead. "You know I hate the popping-corn! Ever since father -oh I cannot describe it, -I dare not! For it is too painful!"
"Jes, Lucinda, I know all about your pa-pa. He died during the lawn-mower accident! But it was not your fault! And more importantly, what does this have to do wit the popping-corn!?!?!? Come, let us make sweet love and cut to loud commercial a moment before you are completely disrobed."
"No!"
"Jes!"
"No!"
"Jes!"
"Salright!"
Commercial!

Yes, we're funny guys.

Then I realized I was hungry. So we called my buddy Jordan's (Blog write Boof) wonderful fiance', LaRae who just happened to be living in Manhattan, working for the man and preparing a home for Jordan and herself for their future. Sigh. Anyways, she calls us and gives us directions. We see a huge comic-book shop and, of course, get distracted, turned-around, and lost. But to be honest, with Ben, such is always fun.

Eventually, after walking half a mile in the wrong direction in really cold weather, we show up, numb and rosey-cheeked at the LaRae's. She took us to a place called Playwright's. Excellent food. No joke. De-Lish!

Then, LaRae showed us around Times Square. We saw tons of stuff! It was awesome and inspired a post I'll publish soon. (It's sort of deep) But here was the most the thing that was awesomest. The Dook. Thor's Hammer. Odin's Raven. Whatever! We fricken met SPIDERMAN! The Webslinger himself! Okay, it was actually a semi-homeless man who made the costume himself and was charging people $7 a picture. But I'll tell ya. It was the best $7 Mama Golemo's baby boy ever spent!

I immediately called a friend to let them know what they were missing.

"Dude. Spiderman. Times Square. Me. Bennie-hanna. Awesome!"
"Neil, are you excited?"
"Heck yes I'm excited! What the flip would YOU feel in a situation like this?"

Hang up.

I'll finish this story later. When this medication wears off. Until then, I bid you Adieu.