Yeah, I said it.

You KNOW you've been a virgin too long when you talk to a beautiful woman and skip being horny and go straight to "pissed off."

If you don't know how I feel, then you're either under 24, or not a virgin, or I'm wondering why a Eunich would be on my webspace.

For the last eight or nine months I feel I've been a frayed rubber ball made from the stretched rubber-bands of used out and overworn emotional muscles that so form a man. I've had relationship after relationship, both platonic and others with the potential for more, sail into and promptly through the harbor of my influence without so much waggled hand or turned head. It's been a while since I've been able to care enough to care.

I'm not asking for sympathy.

Not asking for pity.

Not looking for attention.

Its just that I don't have the emotional currency to spend on a girl right now in my life. When talking to my recently-married friend Jordan about what it's like to be newly-wed, he admitted that at times, he finds himself a little weirded out and wondering "ok, don't you need to go home? Aren't your parents going to get pissed off if you're here past your curfew?" This ejaculation of inner thoughts put a look on my face somewhere between smelling poo in my office and a friend telling me a story of how he saw a girl throw up on her tray at lunch and ate anyway. I know my emotional stamina is barely enough to sustain a run across the court much less the 12-round bout that can be a day with even the sweetest, most sublime peach of a lass.

And yet, there's this knowlege that someday, I am going to want a woman in my life. I mean, one day, I really do want to meet a woman whom I could serve and support. Someone to argue with over who's going to take little Neil Jr and Neilia to their respective baseball and ballet classes. (Not that I'd have a problem with the reversal of their classes... I'm told ballet is quite a test of one's man-hood... no really.)

I know this is a need I'm going to have. And thinking about it is like thinking about a huge bill that I'm going to pay someday in the future. My mind-set is "hell, start paying that bad-boy down right away, son!" So one can see my angst.

So I was talking to a friend of mine tonight and I realized this is what I want. I want to meet a girl. A great girl. Preferably a semi-confirmed single girl who is currently focused on her career. One that I could call every 3 or 4 days. No more. -And by "call" I mean like 5 minutes to an hour conversations. Tops. And no text-message conversations. Text messages should be one-and-done in my opinion. Any more than that, pick up the damn phone and call.

Maybe I could see her every couple or few weeks: Movie and/or Coffee (or a beer/drink with an umbrella - guess). Nothing more domestic than that for the first couple months. Maybe, eventually, she could meet a friend or two or I'll cook her dinner at my house after a couple months. No kissing for a month or two. Seriously. That just makes you want to be a dumbass and see her more often.

Talk only. This damn way we'll be forced to actually, I don't know, um, get to know each other?

I just want to go slow. And by slow I mean, not fast. If she asks me to meet a family member in that first few months, they'd better have cancer or some darn entertaining magic tricks (at least be double-jointed? Pls Advise).

I don't know how to say it. But Baylor does weird things to you. I'm only just now realizing how it grips you -holds you. Only at Baylor could you eavesdrop on two girls talking and hear about how the first date with this fella had to be the last because she "just couldn't see them getting married." I know all dates are interviews, but damn.

Now that Graduate school has shoved me towards the periphery of the Baylor bubble I'm able to enjoy the view from my window seat and see how the rest of the world lives. Its not a window seat. Its the blowhole from which I am able to recieve some much-needed air. One of the things about living in the belly of the beast is that most of the time its too dark to get a good look at one's reflection. We forget this sometimes.

Its around this part of a blog that I usually try to offer some catharsis, a road to the salvation for which I so dearly pray. I am sorry, but don't know if this time I can offer such satisfaction. I don't expect to be "over" these feelings anytime so soon. This next year is going to be one of planning for the next leg of my grand voyage through life. Will I stay at Baylor? 50% and falling. Will I finally go "out east" as I've been promising myself for ever so long? Or will God follow precedent and lead me some other crazy place for reasons completely beyond my comprehension? Who's to know? Well me, eventually.

Until the time when what is to be known is being known, I guess I'll just sip my beer, smile and nod the occasional angry nod. Freaking virginity.