As a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs...

I want to say that grad. school is something special. I want to say that its great, amazing and expanding my borders.

Kinda yes, kinda no.

The classwork is a little more serious. The pressure is a little higher. But to be honest, the feel isn't much removed from my last real semester of college courses. Its actually pretty much the same. You really need to do the readings, which are sizable, and you need to get your junk done. We're treated as professionals.

But then again that may be a little of the problem. This whole "you're a big boy now" treatment is kind of undermining its own intent. If we're big kids, do we really need to be reminded?

But that's all the good stuff.

And for the inevitable "bad" stuff. Dealing with my fellow grad students has been more of the same crap. Don't get me wrong, I really like them. I mean, I really like them. I haven't been so impressed with a group of people since CL training.

But all that being said, we're a diverse group and some of us are bringing in the same ol' baggage that all people bring in. I hate having to deal with really competitive people at the beginning of a relationship. The initial posturing that has been taking place is inherent behavior amongst a group of people so "professional" and new as ours. We're all looking to be taken seriously and that requires putting up our best sides. We all want to make it known that we belong.

Well, most of us anyway.

I am not a competitive person. I do not care if I'm first, last or middle. And while I've always been addicted to attention, I've never felt the need to overshadow anyone else. The position of others in relation to myself has never been much of a concern. This makes people nervous.

There is a group member who I completely freak out. She is one of the most competitive people I've ever met. If someone mentions a date at which they left school, she left a month earlier. If someone shows up to class a minute before her one week, you had better believe she will come to class next week two minutes earlier than last. And then you throw me into her life. I know myself well enough to count being on time to be momentous and to be early damn-near miraculous.

I don't care if my team wins so long as everyone does well . I don't care if people think I'm crazy so long as they know me to be dependable. I don't care if I'm seen as intelligent so long as people feel I'm competent.

But then you throw me into the mix with all of these people trying to express themselves and impress our professors. They want others to see them as the future Deans, provost, Presidents and policy makers of Universities nationwide. They throw around words like "ramifications" and phrases like "let it be known" as if we know what we're talking about. And then there's me, I make jokes and point out ironies. I compliment people on their ties and try and organize football teams. I feel completely comfortable saying "I don't know" and it drives some people crazy.

I think my lack of posturing bothers my new friend. In a room full of robins puffing out their chests and singing their anthems of their accomplishments I'm the parakeet playing with a bell in the corner.

Does this mean I'm not nervous? Absolutely not. I just know this is what the Lord has called me to do. I believe the best lesson for leading is found in the story of David. He was given his throne. He became the King because he was the Lord's anointed. Leadership is not earned, its given. And shall it be with my accomplishments. I will work hard the task that I've been given. If I become more than my position, I'll be rewarded. But I'll never complain about my rank in life. Its enough to travail in the tasks we've been given.

Its not that I'm special. This knowledge doesn't make me enlightened. I only recognise that I'm different. Just like everyone else.