22 1/2 years of virginity

I'm a label-ripper.

I peel, tear, scrape, etc, every label or sticker off of every coke, beer [gasp] etc. If it has something that can be peeled, I'm all over it. I don't even do it consciously. So I did it a few weeks ago in front of the Mary. She told me how doing that is a sign of "sexual frustration." Then like four hours later, my friend Blake reiterated the same point when he noticed me absent-mindedly rending label from yet another drink.

Once more, I hear the words "sexual frustration" pointed towards myself.

"Sexual Frustration"

All of this begs the question: "Can you be sexually frustrated if you've never had sex?"

If the answer to this question is "yes", then I guess you can sign me up. You know, it would be nice if I could blame my lack of a sexual life for all of my frustrations.

I'm going to be honest. I think about sex. I think about what it will be like. I wonder if I'll be any good at it. I've had friends-that-are-girls who've told me how afraid they are that its going to hurt. Some of them who would know, have told me how it really did hurt. So that scares the royal hell out of me too. I don't want to cause my wife pain like that. Especially in that area of her body. What in the hell? Yes, I know it doesn't hurt that badly, or that women obviously don't mind it that much or else they wouldn't be doing it. And yes, I know it gets better (hopefully), but remember this is all bouncing around inside the head of a guy who usually won't remind the lady at McDonald's she didn't give my my Hot Mustard sauce for my Nuggets (mmmmm nuggets) because I can't stand the look of disappointment on her chubby little face. If I'm afraid to sing in front of people on the chance they might not like listening to me, where am I supposed to get the guts to put my new wife through that kind of pain? I mean, sometimes it causes them to bleed!

The idea of having sex someday definitely does frustrate me. I mean on the one hand, I have my Catholicism telling me that I should do my best to force these thoughts out of my mind. And on the other, more prevalent, side we have a new American Pie sequel/clone coming out what seems like every other Friday. Its kind of tough being a consigned virgin in a world in love with sex.

My mom knows who Jenna Jameson is. (I'm not even going to touch that one.)

I sometimes feel like a Mariner trying to get his "wand'ring bark" through a stormy sea of Late Night Girls Gone Wild infomercials, Victoria's Secret magazines, Coors Light Twins and Baylor Girls in just-long-enough pleated skirts crashing over the sides of my boat trying like hell to drown my weak little boat.

Yeah, that's about it.

One thing I've realized lately, is that the older one gets, the more complicated things grow. Its sad, but true. Depressing, but true.

Now, I feel the need to say this: "I am not a prude." I'm not innocent. As my mom would say: "I got the 4-1-1, Neil. I know what's hip. Fo' Shizzle, dizzle, silly nizzle." (That was an amalgamation of actual things she's said.)

That being said, I am glad to say that there is a lot of the world I don't know about. There are things about sex that years of Baseball bus trips and Boy Scout Camp didn't teach me. And I'm happy about that. Another thing that needs to be said is that I have a wonderful set of parents who've put sex in a very healthy perspective for me. My mom has a master's in Health Education. Yeah, it was embarrassing in High School. But then again, everything is.

My parents did a wonderful job of framing what sex is, means, and in what context it should be shared. They weren't Nuns, but they weren't hippies. They trusted me, but I wasn't free to do "anything I wanted."

They helped me to know that sex isn't only for procreation, nor is it only for pleasure. Its a little of both. And its also for bringing two people closer together. Did you know that there's a hormone that women release only once in their lives, and only during their first sexual encounter? It helps to bond the woman to the man. That's why you see girls who have sex with some asshole in high school have so much trouble letting go.

Sex isn't something just to be thrown around. What good things have happened to people who sleep around?

Yeah, so I'm frustrated. I'm really frustrated. I'm a virgin and my Cubbies are droppin like flies. Nobody sneeze.

Frustration, Death and Taxes man. Everyone has to deal.

Go Pistons.