On a roll...

Who's to say human beings aren't in possession of the fabled "6th Sense"?

Have you ever been thinking about a friend you haven't talked to in a while only to receive a phone call from them minutes later? Have you ever had a song you haven't heard in years stuck in your head only to have it come on the radio? We've all shared those weird, yet strangely comfortable moments where you seem to share one brain.

Well, my friends. I'm here to tell you I'm a believer.

My last post spoke of my pissing people off. I believe that I have psychic capabilities.

In the last four days...

I've lost my patience for the first time all year with a few of my residents.

Jerk

I've insulted a good friend by calling him a hypocrite for doing something he was really doing out of regard for my feelings.

Punk

I've offended not one, but two, ex-girlfriends.

Schmuck

I've abused my body by forgetting to eat and staying up too late. Now I'm sick and completely slacking at my job.

Moron

I've been curt with my fellow staff members, and shirked responsibilities.

Fool

I've harbored angry thoughts against people I love and care about completely out of jealousy.

Butt-head

I had the gumption to rain on a dear friend's parade when she was giving me awesome news about herself and how she's finally gotten a chance at something she so clearly deserves by changing the subject to what's going on with me, in my life. I was unable to be happy for her because all I could see was how the situation was going to affect me.

Freaking Jackass

I've disappointed my father.

Crap-head

I've asked God to look the other way because "I'm going through some crap".

Not cool

The worst thing I can say about our recent actions is that I did them with almost full knowledge of what I was doing. I saw myself sucking happiness out of the atmosphere, and I allowed it.

I've had friends that say "We all have rough times, Neil. It's okay". But I've never been okay with "okay". I so treasure the people in my life. They are what matters in life. Its not how much money I make or what car I drive. Its not what books I've read or what my major is or where I'm graduating in my class. Its how I treat my fellow children of God, that matters.

So if I know this, then why do I keep screwing up? Why should I tolerate it? Why should anyone else? I know, I know. This is where Missy or Beth would tell me I'm being too hard on myself. This is where my mom would tell me to get down off my cross because someone needs the wood. But its so hard for me to forgive myself. I hate that I can do this to my friends. I hate that they trust me and I hurt them.

In moments of total confusion, my friend Daren would ask me this question: "So, uh, Neil. Whaddya think Paul has to say about it?"

Hebrews 8:12 "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

Col 2:13 "When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins."

About this point my father would start explaining to me how I'm being a jerk. If God sees fit to forgive me, but I don't, I'm contradicting the Lord. Where do I get off thinking I know better than the creator of ALL THAT IS?

Ahh, I do it all the time.

I'm sorry. I don't know what my problem is. I can't say that this "isn't me" because it really is. I'm weak. Is this the part of me that's usually rearing its ugly head? No, thank-GOD, its not. (Not this particular ugly head, anyway).

I'm sorry. I don't know how to fix it. But I do know what to do.

I need to hit my knees and thank the Lord for such amazing friends who'll swallow a plate-full of abuse and come back for seconds. I need to thank the Lord for his never-ending forgiveness. There's not a sin I could commit that hasn't already been wiped clean by the blood shed by his Son. I'm so thankful for that.

As for the forgiving myself part, I'm working on it... baby steps y'all, baby steps.